The C Word: Final Chapter

On January 16, I returned to Urology Associates to meet with Dr. Dasari for a follow-up visit, five weeks after my surgery. The blood test shows no presence of cancer! My PSA level is "undetectable." I have to admit I was nervous and apprehensive. Just as when I went for the biopsy results in October, you think he'll stroll in and say everything's okay. Well, this time he did. Whew!

We went over the "pathology" from the surgery — what the examination of the removed prostate revealed: the cancer was worse than he initally thought and had begun to spread to the outside of the organ. Scary. There are four lymph glands there, two on each side of the prostate. Without surgery, the cancer would have likely spread to the lymph glands and the surrounding nerves and tissue. Talk about the nick of time. To be absolutely sure all cancerous cells were removed, Dr. Dasari removed the surrounding nerves and tissue.

I'm so relieved and grateful. The weeks following the surgery have been interesting, to say the least. My mind is now ready to jump back into a normal daily routine ... but my body just can't keep up yet. The prostate and the nerves surrounding it control many things which I took for granted. Now I'm learning just how much I needed it and how different my life will be without it. But you know what? I don't have cancer. Any adjustments I have to cope with are minor nuisances in the grand scheme of things.

(You'll notice I'm not making as many wisecracks about all this. It has been a very sobering experience. The doctor would disagree. I tend to get worse when I'm really nervous so he's had to listen to me trying to be funny.)

Anticipating the final outcome of the surgery was, in a way, like facing my own mortality. I've been given a second chance at life. What a wonderful gift! How I use it is totally up to me. I don't think I'm wiser or that I've been given more knowledge ... but maybe I have, maybe I am wiser now. I know my priorities have changed.

My goal is to arrange my life so that I can spend more time with family and friends and less time making a living. Less energy toward work, anyway. I have to pay my bills (and the medical bills are piling up). Without my job, I would have had no health insurance and would not have gone for a routine physical. So I wouldn't have found out I had cancer. I truly believe things happen for a reason. If my friend Caroline Davis had not led me to my job, I wouldn't be writing these blogs about cancer. Instead, the cancer would be slowly growing and taking over.

(Man, am I ever rambling? That was a rhetorical question — you don't have to agree.)

What I'm thinking is that I want to travel more — visit places I've only dreamed of seeing and re-visiting places I've been that I loved.

I want to spend much more time on the stage. Acting is a passion for me and I've always put it way down my list of priorities. Did you know that people make lots of money as actors? I've heard that some even make millions. Who knew? I want to pursue acting opportunities in L.A. and New York and maybe even London. I can live in Nashville but work anywhere in the world as long as the job lasts.

I've heard myself telling certain people recently to "try to find a way to make a living by doing something you absolutely love." It's so simple but why would you do anything else?

I've never been particularly practical and have failed when I tried to bring some sense of order to my daily world, financially and otherwise. Guess it's the Aquarian in me. But I've been guilty of letting practicality keep me from chasing my dreams. Not anymore.

I'll stay in touch, whatever happens. I don't write here often enough but when the notion strikes me, I'll post an update.

Thanks again for all the support during the past three months. How do people survive alone? I couldn't. I'm always surrounded by loved ones and wouldn't want it any other way.

Danny

The C Word IV

It's done. The prostate is gone and with it, the terrifying cancer. I return next month for further tests to see if they truly "got it all," as Dr. Dasari assures me. I feel a little guilty that all this was more or less effortless. Shouldn't I have been locked in my room, shivering under the covers with fear? Even the day of the surgery, I was more annoyed at having to be at Centennial at 5:30 a.m. than scared. I think the appendix experience served as a dress rehearsal for what was to come. I knew I would be in the same operating room, recovery room, and would be on the 4th floor again post surgery. I have no bad after-effects from anesthesia ... in fact, I couldn't wait for them to just knock me out. Waking up was miserable and I hurt and that stupid catheter was uncomfortable and the most difficult thing to get used to. But as always, my clown gene kicked in the moment I awoke and I asked the nurse if they got the name on the truck that hit me. My off-the-wall sense of humor is a family trait that I particularly love — to make jokes in the face of adversity. I cannot stress how vital it's been to me in every dark period of my life — not to make light of the situation or to be insensitive, but to break the tension with silliness. I believe it's easier for a comedian to play a dramatic role than it is for a dramatic actor to try to be funny. That's why I love comedy ... but you also have to know when to use it without seeming inappropriate (I'm still working on that one).

For the record, the laparoscopic appendectomy on Dec. 3 was a far worse experience than the radical robot-assisted prostatectomy (RAP). Funny how I'm able to rattle off those big medical terms like a member of the E.R. or Grey's Anatomy cast. My post-dual-surgery life is definitely a period of adjustment. Functions that were automatic now require a lot of forethought and concentration. I'm praying for patience ... and I want it NOW! The Dr. says things will be better very soon but I guess for now it Depends® (inappropriate).

I mostly owe my "peaceful, easy feeling" (to quote a song) to the prayers, constant support, and the love of my family and a legion of dear friends.

I cannot thank everyone enough for the acts of kindness —

My beloved parents for always being there before anyone and for taking me back home to the room I slept in as a child to recuperate. I don't care how old you are, no one can sense what you need better than your mother. [For more on that tender subject, you must read Mitch Albom's new book for one more day ]

My precious children and grandchildren, whose love and presence in my life is what inspired me to go ahead with the surgery. Every day, week, month, and year that I can stay here on this planet to watch them as they grow and change and become the wonderful, caring, fun-loving and sensitive people that I always hoped and prayed they'd be.

My many beloved friends, who have boosted me through every low ebb of my emotional-roller-coaster life. I've heard from life-long pals throughout my illness and recovery. I can never adequately express my appreciation and love to you for the cards, e-mails, flowers, phone calls, hospital and home visits, all the fantastic food (I lost 10 lbs but I'm sure I'll gain that back plus some), and mostly the unconditional love and support you've shown. It humbles me and I just don't have the words to thank you enough.

There were many highs and lows for me in 2006 — the 60th wedding anniversary of my parents stands out as the highlight of the year — and some huge personal losses in the passing of my dear friends Lon Gary and Anne Tonelson. Losing them hurt far worse than cancer. I still mourn their loss and wish every day that they had been as lucky as I've been with my cancer experience. Pray for their families.

I wish for you all a happy and healthy 2007! You must schedule regular physical exams. I cannot stress how important early detection is in treating life-threatening illness. My daughter Elizabeth (one of my heroes), is expecting her fourth child in June and we're all thrilled! She's the smartest and best mother in the world. Beating cancer has given me a fresh outlook and courage I didn't know I had to finally pursue some dreams I've let simmer on the back burner for far too long. I'll tell you more in the coming weeks.

God bless you all!
Danny

December 29, 2006

The C Word III

Well, it's finally time to get this cancer removed from my body.
I go to the hospital at 5:30 a.m. for surgery at 8 a.m. tomorrow, Dec. 14.
It's been a weird couple of weeks getting prepared, mentally and physically, since I had an unexepected setback on Dec. 3 -- I had an emergency appendectomy. The doctor performed it laparoscopically, which means quick recovery and very little scarring. So the cancer surgeon will more-or-less use the two existing incisions and make three new ones to allow the "robotic" arms to do their work while he sits across the room with little joysticks or something. Who knows? It's what I've read. The surgery last from three to five hours. The DaVinci robotic process takes longer than the old way but it's a million times more precise and makes sure that everything is hooked back up the way it's supposed to be. I'm counting on some wonderful pain medicine and hope the nurses have taken a charm course since I was at Centennial last week. Some horror stories there that I won't go into.

I may be released on Friday but I'm hoping it's on Saturday. Then I'm going home with my Mom & Dad for a few days. They already have all their Christmas gifts wrapped, the tree decorated, and Bing playing on the stereo. Mom is thrilled that I'm coming and already has my room ready. It'll be good to be home for a bit. But I will be very glad to get back to my own bed ... there's no place like home ... right, Dorothy?

Life after surgery will be interesting and definitely a period of adjustment. I'll tell you more about that as it unfolds.

Say prayers. Hug people you love ... or strangers, I don't care. Enjoy the spirit of the holidays. Light a candle for me and think happy thoughts :)

I love you all. God bless you and yours during this season.

Danny

The C Word II

After much consultation with several doctors, I've decided the best course of action to ensure a much longer life with the best chance of a total cure for this stupid prostate cancer that has invited itself into my body ... is surgery to remove it on Dec. 14.

Dr. Dasari is the best in the business, so I'm told, at a process called robotic surgery. Instead of slicing me open like the old days, he'll make four small incisions in my lower abdomen and remove the prostate that way. It's very similar to laparoscopic removal of gall bladders etc, which is very common nowadays.

Recovery time is much faster and I'll only have to miss two weeks of work. Since I'm having the surgery on Dec. 14, that means I get two weeks off for Christmas / New Year's! Then I go back five weeks later to test the PSA levels in my blood. Normally, the level should be 0 and that's what we're hoping for in Jan. My level at this point is 19.9. I think when they saw that huge number, the doctors knew I had cancer but didn't tell me until they performed a biopsy and were sure. At present, I'm taking a tiny hormone pill daily to "starve the cancer until surgery." There is usually no follow-up treatment once the prostate is removed. It's unusual to have radiation and more unusual for chemotherapy to be used with prostate cancer. Surgery nearly always "gets it all," as they say. Mine is apparently confined to the right side of my prostate and has not spread outside the gland. A blessing for sure.
The doctor plans to take as much tissue, nerves, etc from around the gland as possible to make sure all the cancer is removed.

After surgery, my life will be quite different and it's going to take some adjustment on my part mentally, physically and emotionally. As they say, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." We'll see. The Bible says "God will not give us more than we can stand." I hope He knows the level of my strength better than I do. Well, of course He does. He's God.

So, I need lots of prayers.

I'll keep you posted.

The C word

When I started this sporadic blog I never dreamed in my wildest imagination that I'd be saying this in the next 30 years ...

I have cancer.

Dr. Sriram (he's called Ram ... like CD-rom) Dasari is my urologist with Urology Associates. He's tall, dark and handsome, typically very friendly, funny, outgoing and laughs a lot. I like him. I heard him in his normal tone out in the hall before he came into the little 8x8 examining room where I'd been told to wait. So when he finally entered the room and was not smiling and talking softly, I immediately knew it was bad news. He pulled up a stool and sat down facing me, looked me square in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry to tell you that your prostate biopsy does show cancer. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ...."

After he used the "C" word, everything else sounded like the adults in a Peanuts cartoon on TV ... you hear noise but you never hear what they're saying. Dr. Dasari tried to cover the preliminaries of treatments and surgery but after looking into my eyes he just kindly said, "I can see you're in shock. Everyone is when they first hear the 'C' word, so we'll just talk about all this after we do further testing." As I said, I really like him. Very intuitive and sensitive to my feelings. Plus the fact that I had tears welling up and threatening to spill down my cheeks any second I'm sure tipped him off that I was about to lose it.

So, last week I had a head-to-toe bone scan after being injected with radiation that settles in the bones (makes better pictures apparently) and a CT scan of my mid-section, where the prostate lives.

The good news is that the scans revealed no new surprises. The cancer is confined to the right side of the prostate. Now I get to decide what's best for me — treatment or surgery to remove the prostate completely (they don't just take out part of it). Dr. Dasari uses robotic surgery instead of cutting the patient wide open. It's laparoscopic-style, much like the way they remove gall bladders and such these days. Faster recovery, milder side effects, and hardly any scarring.
I asked him if "robotic" meant that a little C3PO was going in with a light sabre and cut things out. I also explained that when I'm extremely nervous and stressed I tend to make bad jokes.

That's the latest. I'll continue to update this blog as I get deeper into understanding what's going on and as my emotional state allows. I've e-mailed everybody I can think of to ask for prayers and positive thoughts during this time of decision. For some reason, now that it's up to me to make up my mind where to go from here, I'm feeling so vulnerable and private again. Those who know me best know that's not my style. If I seem not myself these days, please be patient and understand. If my jokes and puns are worse than usual, know that I'm using it as an escape mechanism. That's my family's way. No situation is so serious that it can't be softened with a wisecrack or silly comment.

Stay in touch. If you don't hear from me, don't take it personally, please!
I love my family and friends so much and absolutely could not make it without all of you.

Danny